I Fed The Wolf of Insecurity, And It Almost Won

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There is a Cherokee legend called, Two Wolves:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. A fight is going on inside me, he said to the boy.

It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego, He continued, The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.

The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather, Which wolf will win?

The old Cherokee simply replied, The one you feed.

Everyone at some point in their career experiences imposter syndrome. The feeling that one is incredibly accomplished and talented, one they simply do not belong or are simply not good enough in a high-profile environment. Add a layer of racialized sexism, and you now have a Get Out moment: That anxious feeling of being “the only one;” the fear of having your Black genius stripped of you and worn like a costume for others to exploit. For self-preservation, I’ve learned to put up certain defenses, not because I enjoy the emotional labor of sexism and racism. This has happened before. I have had my ideas stolen. I have had my time, talent, and energy wasted on people who did not really care what that costs. Racism is odd that way. It’s this myth with very real consequences.

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when things fall apart in our professional lives, it's hard to trust again. But the other outcome is becoming the very thing that hurt you.

I brought that fear into my most recent career opportunity. It’s an exciting chance to work with a well-connected creative consulting firm in New York. It’s something I’ve been working toward for years, and this finally seems like it will be the right fit.

But then I fed the wolf. What I thought was an act of self-preservation became something else. Shortly after going through the application and interview process, I accused the program essentially stealing my ideas and leaving me out of the loop. I put more unnecessary stress on her, and I unfairly judged. People like to say New York is a cutthroat place, and that excuses their bad behavior. There is no excuse for what I did.

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The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather, Which wolf will win? The old Cherokee simply replied, The one you feed

The program manager and I talked, and gained a lot from one another’s perspectives. Sweeping that moment under the rug would have produced more stress. I think we’re in a good place now. But happens if the wolf of mistrust, pride, and insecurity — that exists in all of us — starts to get hungry? That is where honesty, truth, and reconciliation must occur.

Lately, companies have been emphasizing optimism and a nice company culture. The goals are to encourage safe, inclusive environments for people who have traditionally been marginalized in leadership positions: women, people of color, LGBT people, people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds, people with disabilities, and anyone else often feels unheard or unrecognized in workplace environments due to their background. Some findings, however, have discovered that putting the emphasis more on niceness rather than honesty and respect can actually hinder those efforts. Speaking for myself, I am at heart an optimist, but I am not delusional. I believe it is not enough to take a few breathing classes and power through the pain. If we do not address why pain, tension, and trauma exists, we will never get to full healing, respect, and understanding. It’s important to understand one’s lived experiences, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Whether we want to admit it or not work-related betrayals are traumatizing. Like friendships and marriages, when things fall apart in our professional lives, it’s hard to trust again. But the other outcome is becoming the very thing that hurt you. We must not reproduce the same conditions that create doubts and insecurities. We can acknowledge the two wolves that live inside us. And decide which one we’re going to feed.